On Sunrises & The Thoughts That Come With Them

A few nights ago I couldn't sleep at all, and found myself still awake when the sun started rising at around 3AM. I took this photograph at around 4:30 in the morning, while I was working on editing blog photos, sitting on my window sill with the window open letting in the morning air. From a mixture of sleep deprivation and the utterly relaxing silence, I found myself thinking about the film I had seen the night previous.

After seeing The Fault In Our Stars, I found myself in a very odd mood, and it has actually continued since then. I thought the film was beautiful, and, being a fan of the book, I was pleased to see that the actors played their characters so faithfully. It was also a pretty film to look at, and I think the soundtrack is wonderful too, with the songs playing at the perfect moments and fuelling the storyline. However, it isn't so much the film I was thinking of - it was my best friend Matthew who I lost to leukemia when we were both around the age of ten.

I miss him, and I hate how every time I am reminded of him, I remember less and less. It also upsets me that I'll never know what he could have been like at this age - whether he would still be obsessed with dinosaurs, whether he would have had relationships, whether he would have gotten handsome. In TFIOS, Augustus quotes, "Pain demands to be felt," and as funny as it sounds, I think the early morning made me realise just that. Looking out of the window at 4AM made me think about all of the beauty in this world that I get to experience, and it saddens me that he no longer can. However, the pain is also the way in which I remember him, and the fact that it still affects me so strongly can only mean that he was loved a lot, that he is worth remembering.

I would like to have a good way to end this post, but I don't. I'm wishing everyone good vibes, thank you for reading if you got this far - regular fashion and beauty posts will resume now.