Sunday 14 January 2018

On Feeling Like I'm Going Nowhere

Sorry to be a Negative Nancy on you all, but I wanted to take the time to write about how I'm feeling. And how I'm feeling is a bit lost, and a bit hopeless, and a bit - longing. As some of you may know, I'm nearing the end of university and so the idea of what I'll be doing afterwards is always on my mind. I'm pretty sure I'll be staying on to study an MLitt, but an extra year of studying is going to go by so quickly, and then I'll be out in the cold, having to do something with my life...

For a long time I've been trying to shake the feeling that all I want is to work for myself. Every job I've had, I've been so full of anxiety on every shift that it seems so wrong for me. I don't think the stress affects how I work at all, I am still competent and determined to do things well, but I have a sinking feeling that in the long run it will end up being detrimental to my mental health. And yet, even saying this out loud (well, typing it out) makes me cringe a little. Will people think I'm lazy? That I think of myself as too good for a 'normal' job? And then it makes me question, how can I work for myself if my blog is nowhere near 'there' yet? Am I so big-headed to think it would actually work if I just put that extra effort in?

I've written on this blog for four years now, and I'm just so behind in the blogging world. I follow (and adore!) women who have been blogging for a year and who already are able to do it full time, to be their own boss. It's incredibly inspiring, especially considering that the blogging world is becoming so saturated, but it's also disheartening because it makes me think about all the things I've done wrong. I'm rubbish at posting outfits featuring clothes that are actually still in stock. I use the same makeup over and over. I don't really have a unique sense of style. And, for two years out of four, I really did slack on blogging. I let university take over, which is ultimately a valid choice, I know, but it really did set me back when it came to opportunities I could have had. Now, I'm blogging regularly but I'm just not seeing much improvement. Like I said, it's disheartening.

I know that numbers are not everything, but I feel like I'm caught between wanting to show people what I can do, and not having enough people to show. I know it's mostly my own fault - I'm very selective with who I follow on social media and I'm hopeless at commenting on posts rather than simply clicking like - but these are things I'm making an active effort to change from this point forward. It's just frustrating, when I know there are things I can be doing better, but having this lurking feeling that it will all be futile. The thing is, I still love it. I love blogging, and it saddens me that I'm thinking about it so negatively.

I don't want to end this post on a downer, because ultimately it's not. By sharing this, I hope it will give me a kick up the arse to turn things around. I want to give myself the best chance I have, and to search for more opportunities. If I have another year after this for my post-grad then I think I should be using it to work on my blog alongside my studies. In my eyes, it would be mindless not to. Blogging may never be my career, but right now it feels like my best option. But considering I'm doubtful about it, it's not really a great option, is it?

Can you tell I'm so lost? I feel like this post is a shambles! At least it gives you a look into how confused I'm feeling right now. Please, please, let me know if any of you have felt like this!

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